Why?

Over on Jack Sh*t's blog, he posed a sort of challenge. He explained the reason for it as this:

The posts that I find the most interesting, the ones that I seem to get the most out of are the ones where the writer explores the why's of this whole deal: why did I get the way I was? why did I make the change? why is this time going to be different?

Everyone's got their own "how", but the "why's" always seem to be singular and unique.

So he posed the question:

I’ll say it to you: tell me “Why”…

Why do you suppose you let your life be less than you imagined it to be?

I like the way this question is phrased, because that is exactly what those of us who've let ourselves gain too much weight and become unhappy with our bodies and unhealthy have done to ourselves. We've "let" our body be less. When I was younger, I had never imagined myself as ever letting myself become as overweight as I eventually became.

And my answer has to be, "I don't know." I really don't. There are lots of reasons in my life that my weight may have crept up. My genetic make-up played a factor, surely, but it wasn't the only reason; in fact, it was probably only a tiny fraction of the reason. I struggled with my weight as a teenager, but only within a 20 pound range that I kept going up and back down within. It was nothing like the struggle and the weight gain I later suffered.

I know that when I was ten, my dad said offhandedly, "You're starting to look a little chubby." That was the first time I became aware of my weight. I was already 5'2" tall back then (and still am today), and I weighed around 115 pounds, so I definitely was NOT chubby in the slightest. But of course, I believed I was chubby from that point on. I'll never know what prompted my dad to say that. I love him dearly, but no parent is perfect, and I doubt he even remembers saying it.

Later, I married young (19), and I was very unhappy in my marriage. I was not treated with respect and my partner was usually angry. I believe that I began eating for comfort back then. The marriage didn't last long, and, three children later, we divorced. Life got better for me in some ways, but worse in others. I was a single parent and my finances were a constant struggle. On top of that, I returned to my university education. This brought new stress into my life, so food remained my way of comforting myself.

Eventually, I met the love of my life and remarried. Life was and is so much better for me, but the bad habits of eating junky, unhealthy food and eating too often, plus my occasional binge-eating was all too much for me to break away from. I was used to eating the way I did, so I continued eating the same way.

Why do you stumble so often despite all your good intentions?

Old habits are so hard to break, and sometimes the memory of a certain food that I used to love eating with abandon is almost too much to resist.

Why do you sabotage yourself?

There are days when I am tired and can't be bothered to do the right thing, to make the right choices. Maybe, in the past, it was because I lacked the confidence in myself that I could achieve a slimmer body and healthier lifestyle.

Why are you here anyway?

I have seven beautiful, amazing, intelligent, creative children and a wonderful husband. They love me, and because of their love and my love for them, I owe it to them to keep myself healthy and to prove to myself and to them that anything can be achieved with hard work.

If you’re making it, if you’re succeeding on this weight-loss journey, tell me why this time is different than all the others. Why are you going to make it this time when you’ve fallen short before. Why are you going to keep it off this time when you’ve gained it back before.

I'm not sure why this time is different. I've made it to my goal weight, and just the act of getting to this place has instilled a greater confidence in myself and my abilities. There was a time when I doubted I could lose the huge amount of weight I needed to lose, but now, almost 140 pounds lighter, I know that I am capable of amazing things. And I am not going to let go of that feeling, ever!

Why are you a different person now than you were before?

Pick one: confidence, belief in myself, a feeling of accomplishment. Somehow, the light finally went off in my head and I know that this healthier, slimmer me is the outside appearance of who I am on the inside, not the frumpy, overweight, lethargic person I used to be. I have a belief in my capabilities now when I used to always be filled with nothing but doubt. I've learned to tune out that doubtful, negative inner voice now, and I've started listening to the positive, cheerful, inspirational inner voice instead.

So, I hope that answering these questions posed by Jack Sh*t helps you feel like you know me just a tiny bit better than before you read my answers.

If there's anything else you'd like to know, feel free to ask me in the comments.