Over the holidays this year, I stopped exercising and started letting myself eat whatever I wanted. The reason behind this was that I was beginning to get too strict with myself. I wasn't eating enough and I was over-exercising. Both are things that can, individually, put my body into starvation mode, and it was showing. My weight was slowly inching up even though I was exercising several hours a day and not eating enough. So, I decided to shock my body out of starvation mode by spending two weeks eating what I wanted and not adding any exercise into my daily routine. This didn't work out so well for me.
Remember, a long time ago on this blog, when I mentioned that I have a binge eating disorder? Well, following Slimming World helped me to keep control over it. When I found myself going in the opposite direction and wandering into anorexic territory (which is not the Slimming World way), I decided to make a change, but I didn't only let loose for the two weeks I had planned on. I found that, once I started letting myself eat what I wanted, the binge eating took over again and it took me two months to reign it back in. It also took me those same two months to force myself back into exercising daily.
In the meantime, my weight went up. It went up more than I had planned on. I have still lost well over 100 pounds. I have no longer lost over 145 lbs. I have about 19 pounds left to get back to my low weight. (It was 40 lbs, but I already started losing the weight again a couple of months ago.) It is depressing and I am not happy with myself or my body right now.
I am back to doing anywhere from a minimum of an hour and half of exercise daily to a maximum of 2 hours. Usually, I spend 66 minutes using the elliptical crosstrainer and spend about 45 minutes walking. But one thing I discovered with the bit of weight gain and the lack of weight training, is that I really do not like the way my arms look. I had, before letting go, been getting my arms rather toned and was seeing some nice muscle developing in them. So this past month, I have reincorporated weight training into my exercise regime. Three days a week, instead of walking the dog for 45 minutes, I am doing the Wii Fit step routine while doing different arm lifts using handweights. It's working. I am already noticing the muscle development.
My biggest problem right now is in finding balance in my healthy living efforts. I don't want to be swinging from one eating disorder to another, from binge eating to anorexia. (And yes, you can be overweight AND suffer from anorexia at the same time. I am not saying I was anorexic, only that I was heading in that direction.) The main reason I lost the weight in the first place is because I want to be healthy and live a long time so I can stick around for my children. Overexercising and not eating enough will NOT help me achieve that goal.
I am still proud of the 126 lbs I have lost. I am happy that I am living a healthy lifestyle and increasing my energy and strength. I am determined to continue to do so and not to let anything keep me from being as healthy and strong as it is possible for me to be. I am also determined not to let this recent failure get me down. I can let regret eat at me or I can work towards fixing things. I choose to fix things.
Continued goal:
I will be a healthy example for my children, and I will not let any disparaging words about my body or my weight pass my lips for my children to hear.
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Maintenance has to be one of the hardest things -- I think in part because our bodies become 'acclimated' to our routines (not to mention the changes that come with aging), so that what once worked before for us stops being as effective. Whatever the case, it's definitely not easy, and you are definitely not alone. So here's wishing you all the best in your continued quest for good health and wellness...!
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